i feel an early graduation coming on…

when i first started therapy with my current therapist, she told me that our goal was an eventual graduation. it would be at a point in time, when i felt that i had the tools, knowledge, and understanding that i needed to move confidently forward by myself.

i really like my therapist!! she’s cool. she’s funny. she’s intelligent. she’s hip. she’s been really understanding and helpful. she has provoked many breakthroughs in me. she is my trusted emdr sherpa. her office is decorated so comfortably, it reminds me of an opium den and i could easily sleep there. i like it there, it feels like a warm inviting womb to me.

i like her husband, the office manager. he orders awesome treats for her clients to munch on like garlic broad beans, wasabi peas, and charcoal peanuts. he’s such a cute, little guy and they compliment one another perfectly. the whole office is just damn delightful, a wonderful place to go. and, it has been…

last tuesday, i had a wonderful session. she was really excited for me and she told me that we were doing the right thing, by going slow and spending time getting to know each other better. she gave me the tattoo researching analogy, that i wrote the post, “when a prospect could be forever” about. she built me up and told me absolutely why, i/we were doing right thing. when i left there last tuesday, i was confident and i felt good about everything. 

well, then last thursday rolled around. as i arrived for my appointment, i felt a bit edgy from quitting smoking. i noticed that my irritation level kept going up and up, as i felt my body temperature get hotter and hotter. i was very uncomfortable. i was very unsettled. and, i was just antsy and restless.

i arrived five minutes before my scheduled appointment, as always. i entered the waiting room and greeted her husband, who was eating chili and guarding a wendy’s bag. the room smelled vaguely like lingering man farts. i sat down and looked at my phone. 

i noticed that my feet and legs were vibrating from all of my nervous energy and looming anxiety. i looked at my phone and it was 11:11 am…eleven minutes past my appointment time. i tried to hide my frustration, but her husband picked up on it and said, “she should be out any minute.” i nodded my head and continued to wait, until the door opened at 11:19 am.

my therapist came out apologizing. then, she told me that she would need to use the bathroom at some point during our session. i just sat down, opened my phone, and dismissed her with a wave to the bathroom. while she was gone, i took a photo of her empty chair and captioned it, “where my therapist is supposed to be sitting,”and sent it to my friend. 

my therapist came back with her lunch and asked if i minded, if she ate. still looking at my phone, i waved her on…knowing full well, that she still had to rummage around for my file in her desk. i was really annoyed and was determined to use my time to look at my phone, until she had her shit together. it was 11:32 am, when she asked me what exactly i was doing. i continued looking at my phone and said, “i’m just waiting for you.” then, i closed my phone, set it beside me, looked at her and smiled.

we began the session with about twenty minutes left. at which point, i felt my mind begin to wander. i was upset and i just didn’t want to be there. she asked me if i had any concerns. i told her that i had concerns about my personal life and tried to talk about them, but she shut me down. 

and then, she sat down beside me and started talking to me about thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and consequences…in other words cognitive behavioral therapy. she had a tablet and started to draw out a flow chart using an example that didn’t relate to me. i was irritated. i participated marginally until the exercise was over. 

and then, i tried to use my last seven minutes to talk about something that really mattered to me. i wanted and needed to talk to someone who could help me to figure things out. and instead of the glorious, supportive answer from two days before, my therapist said, “maybe it’s over.”

i walked back to the car beside myself, with my head spinning. it was a very far cry from what she had said two days earlier. i thought about it over and over again. i couldn’t figure out if she was just telling me exactly what she believed to be the truth, or if she just wanted to get my attention. 

anyway, i have thought about it all repeatedly until i decided that maybe i feel an early graduation coming on. i was dreading going to therapy yesterday and was very relieved when she cancelled due to illness. i am dreading going tomorrow. 

maybe it wasn’t all as bad as i remember it being. maybe i was just reacting with frustration. at this point, i’ve confused myself and i don’t know.


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