so, here i sit…

…in valley hospital, las vegas…

…occupying room 373, bed b…

…with a window overlooking…

…the parking lot and some haggard palm trees…

…the room gets really hot…

…from all of the sunlight that spills into the room…

…here it is 4:13 pm, on a tuesday afternoon…

…without having my b/p meds…

…my b/p is sky high, 189/101…

…my pulse is racing at 111 rpm’s…

…as the neuropathy in my feet…

…grows in intensity, with each hour that passes…

…without gabapentin or baclofen…

…i have had quite a day already…

…and it all began, as nearly as i can figure…

…at about 11:00 pm, on monday night…

…when i wandered our parking lot…

…searching for an elusive white car…

…that didn’t exist anywhere…

…except for in the dream that i was living…

…as i re-entered the apartment after walking…

…the entire length of the parking lot…

…repeatedly, with my dog, for about a half-an-hour…

…i flung open wendy and jenny’s room door…

…and proclaimed that i couldn’t find the father’s coat anywhere…

…meaning richard, wendy’s step-dad…

…who doesn’t own a coat, but wears a vest…

…and jenny readily pointed out to me…

…that richard’s vest was on the couch…

…where he took it off and left it…

…jenny was frustrated with my not wanting…

…to go to the hospital…

…and i was frustrated with my own confusion…

…as to why i was looking for a white car…

…when richard’s car was metallic teal…

…and i was frustrated as to why i would be looking…

…for a coat, for a man who doesn’t even own one…

…and only wears a vest…

…jenny went back in her room with wendy…

…and i had the grand idea, to have a cigarette…

…i smoked, after having gone without, for several days…

…and immediately upon extinguishment…

…i became nauseous and promptly puked…

…over our patio wall…

…and onto our front walkway, right in front of the door…

…the girls heard me puking…

…and came outside to have a talk with me…

…i kept saying that i was sorry and wendy told me to stop it…

…and i knew that she meant business…

…they were both very concerned with the level of my confusion…

…and felt strongly that i go to the hospital…

…by ambulance, of course…

…jenny was convinced that i had walking pneumonia…

…when she punctuated her plea with…

…”we love you and we are very worried.”…

…really, how could i not go?…

…so she reviewed my symptoms, called 911, and to the door they came…

…the door opened and bugg’s was sounding the alarm…

…i walked outside to the waiting gurney…

…i was seat belted in and off i went…

…my guys of the evening were ryan and jeremy…

…these two were very cute and i am allowed to say so…

…jeremy reminded me of my exes brother…

…ryan looked like timothy olyphant…

… with a macho man mustache, a la the village people…

…these guys always have catch all names for women…

…jeremy’s was “sweetheart”…

…ryan’s was “dear”…

…they were very sweet…

…i began my day in the henderson hospital…

…where i had blood tested, x-rays, and ct scan…

…i had an iv in the top of my left hand…

…i had to use the bathroom, to produce a urine specimen…

…i entered the bathroom, felt nothing…

…but noticed that there were blood drops…

…all over the wall and floor…

…i couldn’t figure out where they were coming from…

…until i looked at my hand and saw blood spurting…

…i had knocked my iv out…

…i was kind of mesmerized by the growing drips and drops…

…i wanted to take a photo, but applied pressure instead …

…and pulled the cord to call my nurse, robert…

…i took one last look, before the towel hit the floor…

…it was beautiful like a jackson pollock painting…

…in brilliant crimson…

…i had a very strange doctor, whose name was story…

…”like the fairytale,” he said…

…he transferred me to valley hospital…

…because henderson had no neurologists…

…so, here i am…

…sitting on a hot plastic bed, with sweaty plasticized pillows…

…my nurse’s are wonderful…

…mariebeth is funny and helpful, kind and cheerful…

…jay graduated in february and he makes me feel safe and cared for…

…they have both seen how hard it is for me to be in the hospital, all alone…

…after all of the tests, the doctors best guess to my ailment…

…was co2 narcosis, from the extremely low setting on my cpap…

…and/or an interaction between my medications…

…now i sit here with really high blood pressure… 

…because they’ve held my meds for twenty-four hours…

…they’ll release me, but only when my b/p is below 160…

…i am trying to calm myself down, after crying all day…

…it’s hard to be in the hospital alone…

…it’s hard to be back in nevada…

…it’s hard to be in limbo…

…the silence is overwhelming…

…conversations have dwindled…

…they are still there, but different…

…i am alone in the hospital…

…trying to wrap my head around the fact… 

…that my blood pressure won’t go down…

…and that i will be taking a cab at 11 pm, back to where i’m living…

…it’s all a very hard pill for me to swallow…

…but, here i sit waiting, always waiting…

…patiently and purposely, with my hand out…

…just waiting for her to hold it…

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