it’s harder…

***this post is not intended to vilify my ex. it’s my reaction to the situation. i wish her and her’s the best.***

i knew that my ex would be calling me earlier. i thought that we would be talking on the phone. i wasn’t prepared to video chat with her from her home, which used to be our home.

i wasn’t prepared to see the interior of my old house…so much the same, as when i left it, only different person(s) living there. to me it was surreal, it reminded me of a wall of legos…take one off and replace it with another one…the shape and color stay the same…nothing changes, just the piece(s)…life goes on without skipping a beat.

i wasn’t prepared to see a child bouncing around my old living room, with my three dogs. it was jarring to see the child flopping on the couch, that i used to sit on, touching my little man. 

i wasn’t prepared to be face to face, with cashie and carly…to call out to them, to tell them that i love them, and that i didn’t abandon them…and to have them just walk on by, without any acknowledgement of my voice. i wanted to reach out and touch them, hug them, and kiss them.

i wasn’t prepared to see my little man looking, so thin and frail. he was wearing one of the hoodies, that i remember putting on him. i called his name. i told him that i loved him, but i don’t know that he heard me. he still has the same adorable face and sideways swagger, but he is very boney and drawn. he seems like he still has spunk, but is very tired and cold. i wanted to pick him up, cradle him in my arms, and take him away with me. my ex says that he’s not suffering, but that he won’t get any better. we need to make a decision (she is including me in the decision).

and, i really wasn’t prepared to see my old bedroom, the new paint color, or my ex laying down in bed, with her current girlfriend. that’s when i disengaged and said that i had to go. i clumsily fiddled to shut off the camera and began crying.

yes, i have spent the day crying. and no, i’m not crying over my ex. i’ve been crying over, austin, whom i was planning to come and take to be with me. i’m crying for the time that i’ve lost with him (and i’ll say that my ex did offer several months ago, to meet me halfway, and bring him to me, but i wasn’t allowed to have a dog and couldn’t afford his healthcare). i’m crying for loss in general…lost home, lost pets, lost identity. 

for the last eighteen months, i’ve been basically “homeless.” yes, i’ve had places to stay, family and friends, even my own room. i’m so grateful for all that i have. what i’m trying to say, is that i long for home (WA), to be able to visit with my dogs (which my ex said that i could do) and for a home of my own…a place that i can plant my roots and grow in, flourish, and have people and pets of my own, to love and enjoy. i’m heartbroken over, austin, and i’m homesick.

i will say, that as unprepared as i was, for anything that i experienced. i have to thank my ex for taking good care of our pets. i have to thank her for telling me about, austin, and for allowing me the chance to come see him, keep my promise, and accompany him, on the end of his journey. i think that she had the best intentions, in letting me see my dogs and interact with them. i just don’t think that she thought about how i would feel about the rest of it. i don’t think that it was intentional. i’m grateful for getting the chance to see them. i love them and miss them.

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