well versed…

i consider myself to be a lifelong learner. i hunger and thirst for knowledge, on a continual basis. my mind is like a sponge, soaking up this and that, with ease. i take pride in being well versed, in a plethora of topics. take your pick.

ask me about things that i know about and i will talk, until i’m blue in the face (i can see the nodding of agreement now đŸ˜‚). tell me about something that i don’t know about and i am all ears. teach me, i am yours. i want to learn!

over the last several months, i’ve been having learning experiences, right and left. i am so well versed, in so many new and unusual things, that i never thought, that i would be. these are things that i was aware existed, but never really thought about.

i am well versed in spotting,”catfisher’s.” i can tell the difference between the “romance scammer’s” of nigeria and ghana. i recognize the language, the manipulations, and the tactics used.

i am well versed in vetting friends and acquaintances. i know that people, that want to teach you how to make gunpowder out of spices and cold packs, and incendiary devices using sparklers for fuses, aren’t friends, they’re crazy.

i am well versed in hallmark and that by far, is the most aggravating to me. to be familiar with hallmark, means that i have lost months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds, to babysitting the “crazy old man.”

the “crazy old man,” who couldn’t stand spending time, with his dying wife, now sits all day, on his flabby, white ass…shedding crocodile tears, complaining that nobody told him, that she was going to die, while watching his “love stories,” on the hallmark channel.

he says,”i just don’t understand, why my baby is dead, and that awful, lying c**t (meaning mrs. clinton) is still alive. it wasn’t supposed to work this way (shakes fist in the air), i was supposed to go first! my baby knew that, she did this to me!”

i respond the same exact way each time,”well, believe me, r*****d, we would’ve all preferred that you would’ve gone first, too.” with that, i get the general, all-around look of self-righteous indignation.

he shakes his finger at me and screams,”it’s just not fair! it’s so unfucking fair!” to which i respond,”don’t talk to me about fair. i watched my mom suffer from als. do you think that was fair? do you think that she deserved that?”     

i continue,”how do you think that your step-daughter feels? she knew her a lot longer than you did, twenty years longer.” he replies,”well, i went in and out of her for twenty-five years…i knew her intimately!”

to which i wrap it up, into a nice, pretty package, with a bow on it, and respond,”well, your step-daughter spent nine months, in her mother’s womb, that’s intimacy and that’s unconditional love, both of which you will never have.”

my god, we have this conversation everyday, sometimes more than once, sometimes repeatedly. and, all of this transpires while he has his “love stories,” blaring. i find it all to be so ironic and so surreal.   

this petty, selfish, repugnant, vile, vulgar, arrogant, psychotic, narcissistic man deludes himself, on a daily basis, believing that what he took repeatedly advantage of, over the course of twenty-five years, was “true love.” 

and now, he has to relive that fantastical love, over and over again, each and every day. he doesn’t just watch, he commentates through the whole fucking thing, making it what he wants it to be, in his perverse mind.

he rattles off insulting insinuations, about the women in the shows, to the women of our household. “i’d do her. she’s got no tits. she’s got a nice rack. that one has a “but-her” face, but i could bury my rod, in her ass.”

if the squeaky clean, sugary sweet, and bubble gum chewing producer’s at the hallmark channel, ever knew what was said in the middle of our living room about their movies, they’d probably run for the hills. each day, he sinks to a new depth of depravity.

i guess the point of the matter is, that i am now well versed in…”aurora teagarden mysteries,” which star that little “spark plug,” from the past, candace cameron bure and oldie, marilu henner. 

the movies are always the same. aurora is the one who always finds the dead body. she and her mother, are very nosey, snoop’s. they butt into people’s business, are wrongly accused, there is a love interest, and then they stubble upon the killer. aurora saves the day!

for that matter, i am also well versed, in the,”murder she baked mysteries.” these movies star, alison sweeney, from “days of our lives,” and “the biggest loser.” she plays hannah (swensen), the baker.

these movies are also, always the same. hannah, the baker, finds the dead body. she is wrongly accused of the murder, by a “love interest” detective. they work together to find the killer and all is right with the world.

but, i don’t want to leave out that i am well versed, in “the flower shop mysteries.” these movies star, brooke shields, as abby knight, owner of “bloomer’s flower shop,” and beau bridges.

these movies are also, always the same. abby, the florist, usually finds the body. she is then wrongly accused, by her cop, “love interest.” beau bridges, offers guidance and advice. abby and the cop, generally solve the mystery and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief.

and lastly, i am well versed, in “the garage sale mysteries.” these movies star, the irrepressible, lori loughlin, as jennifer shannon. she is the owner of the,”rags to riches consignment shop.” jennifer enjoys going to garage sales, thus the title.

these movies are also, always the same. jennifer, the consignment shop owner, usually finds the body. she is then wrongly accused, or takes it upon herself to solve the mystery, usually with a little help, from her best friend, and co-worker. then, voila…mystery solved!

one day, i asked r*****d, if he ever noticed that these movies were all the same…just different stars, cities, occupations, and love interests. he looked over at me and said,”no, i never noticed that before. i just watch them, because you like them??!!??” WTF.


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