it’s funny, because someone asked me earlier this morning, how i would react if someone sent me flowers, to my work. (it was not anyone that i know).
i told the woman that it had surprisingly happened to me many times over the years. which when i think back, was probably a bigger deal, than i let on.
at the time, i worked for an obnoxious woman, who insisted on calling me, “kris,” (which is not my name) in a very, overdone texas accent.
i was not “out,” at the time. i was afraid of what people would think, way back then, in 1987-1994. so, when i received flowers at work, i said that they were from t.l., the man that my dad encouraged to pursue me.
t.l. sent me many roses over the years. i was always torn, over how to feel about what i considered to be such a lavish and extravagant waste of money.
don’t get me wrong, i appreciated the gesture, the kindness and the love, but the fact of knowing that someone spent, so much on me, for something so fleeting, made me feel bad…like maybe they wasted their money.
i also felt torn, because i wasn’t out and didn’t feel that i could be. i found myself fearful of being outed, especially at work.
i was afraid of the religious repercussions of my family. i was afraid of being forced into going to h.a. (homosexuals anonymous), at my parent’s church.
i found myself often times being embarrassed, ashamed that i couldn’t just, “be normal,” and enjoy my fucking flowers, or walk down the street holding my girl’s hand.
sometimes, i felt such righteous indignation, that it smoldered deep down inside. i was absolutely triumphant, in the fact, that *I* got the flowers, that my boss always thought were for her. that, the look on her face, never got old.
lastly, when i was finally home with my flowers…i would really smile and allow myself to enjoy them, reflecting on each woman, who sent them. i felt special. i felt seen and heard. i felt valued and appreciated. and sometimes, i even felt loved.
thinking back now, i feel like i short-changed myself and all of those who sent me roses. i guess that i spent more time trying to assuage the fears of my parents, than enjoying my young life and loves.
i know that i’d have been a different person, if i’d have been less afraid, and had more pride. here i am now and at least i realize it, and thank god, the past is just that.
today, i enjoyed my roses, that t.l. didn’t send. today, i was honest about who they came from and what the card said. today, i thanked my person, as well as i could, from afar. today, i felt special and valued, even though circumstances between us, are rather surreal.