“talking to myself…when nobody’s home,” (note to self)…

…when someone tells you something that sends up a flag, you should listen…because something that is uttered as a, “funny haha,” or moment of, “self-awareness,” can be the harbinger of the future…the flicker of illumination, into that person’s modus operandi, into their character…into their hearts intent…

…if someone tells you that they are a schizophrenic…that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a truly wonderful person, worth loving…it just means that you should listen, with your whole heart, decide if she can handle the highest heights, and the lowest lows. decide if your heart can take it…is the “juice” worth the squeeze? if you proceed, a word of caution…schizophrenia, is a disease…it’s certainly not a choice!! instability, of any kind, does not fair well, for the gooshy hearted. learn your lesson…don’t think that things will be different for you, because you’re different…you’re special…you’re worth it. it’s a disease. it’s nothing personal. it’s just the way it is. wendy is right, when she says that,”people are online, for a reason…,” it’s true!! no matter how much, “the heart wants, what the heart wants…,” you don’t have to listen…you don’t have to put yourself, in that position, just because you are needing…to feel loved, to feel special, to feel like you make a difference…like you matter…because you do matter. your heart is precious, tender, valuable…don’t give it up for instability, imbalance, or insecurity. you will feel the wonderous heights of all that love has to offer…but at some point…you will crash and burn. are you okay with that? will you survive that? are you worth more than that?

…if someone says to you,”…maybe i am a narcissist…,” fuck yeah!! what was your first clue? are you freaking kidding me? why are you still there…listening, believing, trusting? it began as such a beautiful thing…feeling so fucking special, so valuable, so worthwhile…and that continued for a few weeks, maybe even a month…and then, you said something innocent, maybe asked the wrong question, maybe you didn’t use the right emoji…it doesn’t matter what it is, it will happen…narcissism will show it’s ugly head. suddenly out of nowhere, there will be an attitude…all at once, everything that had been good, special, and wonderful about you…is now off putting, offensive, obtuse. out of nowhere, with no forewarning…”your person,” disappears…the first time, for a day, or two…reappearing, as if nothing had ever happened…no mention of, what or why…no acknowledgement, whatsoever, leaving you no choice, but to believe that, you might actually be, a “little nutty,” like everything is/was, all in your mind. then, “your person,” suddenly reappears…frantic, because they think that you, have moved on…stopped taking their phone calls, and answering their texts…when in all reality…your phone was down, because of the storm. you are once again, flattered…,” you feel like you still have, “a chance.” you know better than to question, the disappearance. you begin to know, what will make, “your person,” disappear…you stop being yourself…because that self that was so wonderful, awesome, and adorable…has now become…loathsome, boring, so not special. you lose yourself, your identity, your spirit…and cling, to what once filled you…thinking that if you were just, “good enough,” things would go back to how they, once were. stop!! stop now!! this is crazymaking behavior…the narcissist feeds on this…it strokes his/her ego, in all the right ways…for him/her to have, this kind of exacting control over your emotions. run!! don’t turn around!! don’t look back!! what you felt was real, to you…but anything that the narcissist, mirrored back to you…was just an illusion. wendy was right…”…people are online for a reason…,” maybe my narcissists reason, was to have an endless supply, of ego feeders…strokers…that’s my guess.

…if someone says to you,”i can’t believe that after having the luck that you’ve had…with sarah, charlotte, and rhonda…that you would even think about throwing your hat back in the ring…” what does that mean? especially, when the heart wants, what the heart wants. do you seriously fucking think…that you of all people, have/had a chance to be loved by her? seriously? she told you not to put her on a pedestal…and, you didn’t…you did your absolute best, to try to exist with her, in her world, but you were too large, too overwhelming, too overbearing. you know what you saw etched on her palm. you know how it felt, when she looked into your eyes, and said,”…i see you…” you are left with those thoughts, those feelings, those “what-its.” the thing is, that you really believed that, she did see you…that she did care, that she did want to…but, you think that maybe she just got scared. get a motherfucking clue…she doesn’t want, or love you…she has moved on…and yes, you can see that clearly now.

…what was my reason? my reason, for being online…was because i’m fat, doughy, “obeast.” my feeble attempt to showcase…my true inner self…my beautiful mind, my words and thoughts, my ideas and plans…while still fully disclosing that i am physically, very disappointing. i have found three really beautiful people this way, but, none of them wanted me, for me. they wanted the illusion of me…the flattering musings, the uplifting encouragement, the unwavering support…but, they didn’t want the physicality of me, the sentimentality in me, or, any feelings, or utterances of love coming from me. i could be very off base, but it feels to me like…i was merely a distraction. i was way too eager for interaction, for connection, for intimacy…and yes, for the possibility of love…for me. i believed, in the fairytale. i wanted my fairytale. i believed that i had it. i found my, “pam,” but i lost her. the only thing in life, that i will ever truly regret, is leaving without really seeing, if things were really over, or not. i feared the worst, and fled. i probably made things out to be more, than they ever really were…

…at this point, i’m just talking to myself, trying to come to some conclusions…trying to figure out what is true, versus what my heart tells me. i am so lost right now, but as for as lost, as i am right now…in this moment…i am that much closer to being found, in the next…somehow, i must remain hopeful…trust, have faith, and live in the love, that i have for myself…

…as for “pam,” i believe in the power of threes…palm, tarot, future-present-past photo…i believe in kismet…i believe that what is meant to be will happen…nothing more is needed from me…i will wait to see how the universe unfolds…i will work on being mindful, of the universal laws, put my good energy out there, and know that i will attract like…

…but, she…she will always be loved by me…i know that i put everything that i had to give out there…i know that i am absolutely willing to be a fool for love…and, i guess that my photos, and art project…showed that…but, i will never be ashamed of…love…i am not embarrassed, to show that i have been deeply, and profoundly moved, by another…she is greatly missed…i will wait for the universe…

 

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