it’s true!! i always thought that if i slipped (on my diet), it would be bread, potatoes, pasta, or rice. i was wrong!! it was a donut, a motherfucking donut!!
they were just sitting there, looking all beautiful and gorgeous, at the circle k. i’ve walked right past them hundreds of times, never even acknowledging their presence.
i was having a very bad day. i was sad, bored, anxious, missing people, basically on edge, and beside myself. i walked past the donuts giving them a longing glaze.
i grabbed the almonds and water, that i went in there for, in the first place, and got in line. i turned around one more time, before getting to the cashier.
before i knew it, i was kneeling before the case, holding all of those precious donuts. i grabbed waxed paper and a bag, and began choosing my favorites.
i was there for what seemed like an eternity, eyeing those lovelies. i grabbed an apple fritter, an old fashioned, and a glazed raised donut.
it was like i was on autopilot…not thinking, just doing. once i got in line again, my eyes fell to something else. it was called a “magic brownie.” once again, without thinking, i grabbed one.
i was ready to take off, and leave until i looked to my right, and the slurpee machine beckoned me, to her. i figured,”what the fuck.” i made myself an x-large mango slurpee, paid, and left.
i didn’t realize exactly what i had, how much there was, or the ramifications of my actions, until i got back. almost immediately, i heard,”i thought that you were on a diet.”
i was instantly filled with guilt and shame. i off loaded the apple fritter to richard, and put the rest in my room. the slurpee, i enjoyed immensely, as it was 108°. it wasn’t guilt-free, but i enjoyed it.
later, when i went to my room that night, there they were…in the white paper donut bag. i thought about what i should do. i considered throwing them away…
but, what i decided to do was eat them. acknowledging that it was not a reward for bad behavior, a celebration, or anything that could fill the voids in my life…
but, rather eat them being completely mindful and present, acknowledging that i am only human, that it was okay to make a mistake, as long as i get right back onto my plan, and continued.
instead of scarfing those donuts down, trying to hide the evidence, and not tasting, or enjoying them. i ate them in the spirit of gratitude…grateful, mindful, present.
i experienced those donuts like none other, that i’ve ever had before. i smelled them. i examined their shape, color, and texture. i tasted every bite, savoring it, and being thankful, that the next day i would be fine.
and, i was fine! i was able to forge on, with my diet and exercise program. i went and got weighed at the doctors office. i gained nothing, in fact i lost five pounds.