sometimes, i just don’t know how much more, of this, or that that I can take. i feel lost, confused, isolated, hidden, put away, discarded, obsolete, null, and void.
it’s nothing necessarily here, or there. it’s just my over all state of overwhelming frustration, exhaustion, and dissatisfaction, with the cards that i’ve been dealt.
malaise has crept in. it always finds me no matter where i go. it finds me, and holds me accountable for my mistakes, fuck ups, and overall bad choices. karma, you say…quite possibly.
i’ve had enough really, more than my fair share…more than i can continue to handle. he clings waiting, mocking me, daring me, calling my name clearly, repeatedly…pointing at me, and laughing at my pain.
he says repeatedly, “see, see, see…i told you…i told you that she couldn’t love you, see,see, see!!!” “i told you that she was too good for you, too pretty for you, too smart for you.”
“she was repulsed by you, by your very presence. she loathed you. she just wanted to see, if she could make herself kiss the fat sweaty girl. she probably did it on a dare.”
“you are so stupid…who did you think you were?? did you honestly think that you ever had a chance?? that she would ever love you?? you fool.”
“i told you that she would dump you. i told you why, and you didn’t listen. you didn’t listen. she dumped you, and you know why…i told you so.” “you never listen…”
“you know that they laughed at you. your feeble attempts to prove yourself worthy…picking dandelions-pathetic…making tie-dyed, coffee filter valentines-begging…every single poem-needy…and, that stupid book-delusional.”
“and, the very worst part…is that i am related to you…what will i tell my friends?”
***i’m just writing, to get it out…this is my recurring, true-life nightmare, that taunts me during the day, too…sometimes it really gets to me…today, it did…i’m sorry!***