i’m not gonna’ lie…

today, i’m having a really hard time, holding my shit together. i am very emotional.

here i sit, in the middle of motherfucking montana…home of the racists, bigots, and homophobes. i don’t belong here.

here i am, in an ugly, stale-aired room, in the st. vincent’s, regional neuroscience center…tears streaming down my face…furiously planning.

planning my escape from here, this god-awful, ugly state…that has brought me the highest highs, and the lowest lows. the place with the worst medical care, and no empathy, whatsoever.

the nurse, vickie, was actually kind and very compassionate, handing me a box of kleenex, which i readily accepted. she said, “there, there dear…,” and patted me on the wrist.

i feel cut-off, dropped like a hot potato, alone…conversation, communication, connection…evaporated, evanesced, expired.

i am seeing a doctor of neurology today, as opposed to, a nurse practitioner. he is very thorough, asks questions, but talks over me, before i can answer.

i try to ask the questions, that i have been writing in my pocket notebook…but, doctor deflects, dodges, and dismisses my concerns.

the best thing that he can tell me, as tears stream down my face is, “…it’s going to be okay…” sometimes, it feels good to hear that, and sometimes, it just makes you feel worse…today, it just brought more tears.

he told me some things that shocked me, and somethings that made me happy. he told me that in my brain, c-spine, and t-spine…i didn’t have any of the hallmark, ms lesions.

he showed me two different, “scars,” in my brain, caused by trauma, that have completely healed, but were mistaken for ms lesions. i don’t put much stock in this, considering he is a, montana doctor.

he said that the arteries in my brain, are just fine. he said that the narrowing wasn’t significant…and, that i was in no danger of having a stroke, since i am on blood thinners, have changed my diet, and am exercising, and losing weight.

he said that i could push myself, as hard as i wanted to, and the weight loss, will help with neuropathy, chronic pain, stiffness, and depression.

he is sending me for a neuropsychological assessment, which is a battery of tests, administered to patients with brain injuries. it shows the assessor if the brain is injured, and if so, in what area.

i’m scared because…i saw this test administered, on the tv show, “hannibal,” and i viewed it, as something negative. i’m allowed to have someone there with me…

he has ordered all of my records, from vancouver…ordered an l-spine mri, and another lumbar puncture, depending on mri outcome. he is going to try to prove, or disprove, my ms diagnosis.

i was walking to my car, and didn’t realize that my shorts had fallen down, until they wrapped around my ankles, and nearly tripped me. i didn’t give a shit, who saw me. i was exhausted, at that point.

i spent a lot of my day walking. walking back, and forth…and, up and down our gravel driveway. it’s much harder for me to do, it takes a lot more effort, it forces me to balance, as the ground is constantly changing, and shifting beneath me.

walking in the deep gravel…i can walk 1/4 of a mile…without stopping, relatively quickly. today, my sister shot a video of me doing it, that i will share. i am mall walking…walking in gravel…walking around the track.

today was my dad’s, seventy-fourth birthday. it was hard for me, to sit and listen to all of the talk, of the trips, adventures, and life, that he, and his girlfriend are planning together. i had to remove myself, from the situation.

however, i wasn’t able to leave fast enough. the tears started coming, and the, hurtful words began to pour out. my sister asked me, if i wanted cake…chocolate, delicious cake…i looked at her…and, was proudly able, to say, “no,” and mean it…with no sadness afterward.

i have been working my hardest, everyday. i am so determined to do this, and regain my life, my confidence, my good looks, my charm and wittiness, my ability to move easily, my ability to dress nicely, and to fit into normal clothes.

i’ve been thinking, and i have a really good idea. that i would love to run by, my friend.

my body is tired, and readily sleeps. it’s a good tired…an exhausted tired…but, i am confident…that i will make it, where i want to be…and, that everything, and everyone that i want in my life, will fall into place. i have faith.

my eyes are reminding me that they are, tender and sensitive, stinging and dry, from crying. i’ve been waking up, in the middle of the night, panicking, and thinking that my snoring was waking everyone up…i get up, and think that i am somewhere else…but, i am alone, and i don’t fall out of bed, with a thud on the floor.


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