change…

things can change. things will change. things are changing already.

i’ve been thinking a lot…writing shit down…on real paper…with one of my mother’s, yellow faber-castel, mechanical pencils, that my dad brought home from work. i’m watching that shit get real.

i will hit my goal, or i will die trying either, is fine…i have so far to go…BUT, it has never been more important, or more of a priority, until now. weight is NOT going to keep me from being healthy, strong, adventurous, and having all that, i want in, and out of life.

weight can change…
bodies can be retrained…
health can be restored…
strength can be renewed…
minds can be revitalized…
energy can be increased…
confidence can be regained…
spirits can be uplifted…
self-esteem can be boosted…
attractiveness can be reclaimed…
sexy can be brought back…
want can return…
desire can be rekindled…
future can, and will become present…

but, regret…regret is forever…it’s something that can’t be changed…wondering, “what-if…,” feeling a little off kilter, unsettled.

i’m not leaving this earth regretting that i didn’t try to give this body, all that she desired. fuck that shit…i’m not giving up…i’m no punk-ass pussy.

weight and confidence being my issues, which can change, there are many good qualities that i do possess, that others do not. among them: a brilliant mind, a loving heart, compassion, empathy, a calming and peaceful spirit, good energy, kindness, gentleness, loyalty, playfulness, spirit of adventure, being a good listener, positive, happy, fun-loving, thoughtful, intuitive, sensitive and feeling, slow to anger, passionate, artistic, motivating, motivated, capable of intimacy, capable of being completely present, simple, easy to please, helpful, willing to learn, abilities to lead and follow, self-sufficient, independent, able to give space and take space for self, knowledgeable, unafraid to own my shit, unafraid to admit when wrong, ability to make decisions, respectful, unafraid to voice opinions, will ask for help, diplomatic, willing to discuss things, and work them out, gifted conversationalist, funny, able to laugh at self, good at making up bedtime stories, sympathetic, willing to work very hard, for what i desire most in life, responsible, punctual, open-minded, willing to try almost anything once, capable of silence, able to visualize, and meditate, able to support and encourage others, endlessly patient, tolerant, honest, trustworthy, reliable, transparent, discerning, capable, competent, fluid, flexible, understanding, outgoing, friendly, witty, charming, a good friend, interesting, likable, true, curious, filled with a sense of wonder, a big kid, affectionate, a very good driver, adorable, multifaceted, cautious, careful, deliberate, detail oriented, able to read, write, and communicate effectively, and more.

there are lots of things in life that can’t be changed, such as the circumstances that one is born into, birth defects (some), the minds and hearts of those that hate (unless they want to), some financial situations, incarceration (eventually can change), narcissists, etc.

change for me, required perfect honesty, which i fucking admire…a swift, painful kick in the ass…from a true bull.

change for me, means that, someone cared enough about me, to want me to stick around, not be lost to a heart attack, or stroke…someone really wanted to have adventures with me, that i would be able to fully enjoy, without worrying about stumbling, or feeling self-conscious about holding anyone back.

change for me, means that someone took a deep look inside of me, liked what they saw…all of my potential, as both present, and future Kristen…happy, strong, and healthy.

change to me, is about making me, the best version of myself…for me…but, i also want to do it to show everyone that I could…especially the someone, that saw it there, in the first place.

change to me, means absolutely everything.

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