present, and accounted for…

i have lived most of my life vicariously, through other people. i have lived a lot of life, inside of my head, where no one can touch me, no one can affect me, no one can penetrate my precious, soft, mushy heart. i have lived my whole life just longing for someone to love me, value me, choose me.

i have used food, pets, television, phone, music, art, writing, reading, and hurting myself…as “drugs,” to kill the pain…as ways to “escape,”…as ways to keep myself attached to anything, that i ever cared about, or loved. i allowed all of these things, to become my “crutches,” my best friends, my substitute life partners…because i had no love in my life, no compassion, absolutely no intimacy of any kind, or  connection, to another human being.

i built walls…thick, tall, impenetrable. i kept people out. i hid. i self-soothed, and self-protected. fighting my own personal battles, without sharing, or talking about them…without asking for help, from anyone. i allowed myself to become an exile, from “real” life…a prisoner to my fear of the unknown, the “what if” scenarios, and ultimate rejection.

i sit here today, in this moment, 1:40 pm, sunday afternoon. i have owned my shit, my damage, my bad choices. what i do know is that i have to take these things that have, made me, me…hold them in my arms, acknowledge them, thank them, and let them go.

i am doing my best to be present…to really be there in the moment…not run off to hide, escape, or dull pain…but, to sit with whatever i am feeling in the moment, good or bad…and, enjoy it to it’s fullest, or sit tight, and ride it out. knowing that every moment ends eventually…remembering to squeeze all of the juice out of those great moments, and drink it in…and, those bad ones, just keep breathing, exhale them away.

here i sit in a very uncomfortable moment. i am trying to just keep breathing…counting my breaths, meditating…knowing that in the next moment, i will be renewed. giving up control is hard for me…feeling some feelings is hard for me…but, i’ve got this. i am doing this differently, because i want to be present for those that i love, and care about, as well as for myself. i want to spend the rest of my life trying to be, the best person, that i can be…to myself, and others.

i radiate peace. i am filled with love.

om shanti, shanti, shanti.

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