june 24, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…being able to get up early and go on my pre-dawn walk with buggs. it was still warm, but not as hot as it is now. there was a beautiful sunrise, but i couldn’t take a photo…

…three cups of black coffee and some quiet time for myself and buggs outdoors, until everyone else woke up…

…time to really think about what i’m writing and how i should write it…how to cut it down and still have it be me. time to actually finish part of it…

…time to work on my street art and grafitti photobook. i’m on page twenty-three or eighty-five…

…being alone in my room with buggs. no r*****d. no yelling. no arguing. no fox news. getting to listen to my music and work…

…a new to me chair for my desk. j***y got a new one, so she gave me her old one. it feels so much better on my butt and back, than that hard wooden kitchen chair…

…ice tea with lemon…

i am resilient. i am capable of greatness. i am confident.

namaste.

things i keep telling myself…

…tomorrow is a new day…

…no one knows what the future holds…

…remember, you’re a shitty mindreader…

…age is a state of mind…

…you still get carded…

…where there’s a will, there’s a way…

…patience is a virtue…

…good things come to those who wait…

…the juice was worth the squeeze…

…nothing ventured, nothing gained…

…you’re good enough, you’re smart enough and dog gone it…people like you…

…keep going…just a little further…

…love yourself and others will love you too…

…you’re a good catch…

…protect your heart…

…listen to your gut…

…open your eyes…

…be grateful for all that you have…

…be kind…

…give of yourself…

…listen, before you speak…

…you can have what you want and you will…

…keep working your plan, you will achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals…

…wake up…

…this is your life…

…take responsibility for yourself…

…continue to do the work…

…don’t burn bridges…

…don’t settle…

…be open to possibilities and magic…

…keep an open mind…

 

say cheese…

i like it on my cracker
i like it on my plate
i like it in my salad
and, shared with a date

give me cubes o’ plenty
give me chunks piled high
give me slices single-ly
and, i promise not to cry

i like it sprinkled on my pasta
i like it baked into my bread
i like it melted on my peppers
and, when i’m lazing in bed

give me creamy dressings
give me rich fondue
give me spicy sauces
and, i’ll always be true

faux pas…

…according toΒ the urban dictionary a faux pas is “french for ‘false step.’ a severe social blunder or major breach in etiquette. if the faux pas in question was unintentional it oftens leads to a very awkward and uncomfortable moment. if the faux pas in question was intentional the person who intentionally committed the faux pas in question is often loathed for an appropriate period of time (or bitch slapped). but- on a rare occasion the person the intentional faux pas was directed at might find it funny and laugh it off.”

my ex used to tell me a story about her ex boyfriend. she was taking him to meet her father for the first time over dinner at a fancy restaurant. both were very nervous, i am unsure of how the rest of it went now, so, i apologize if i don’t get it completely correct.

the trio were sharing conversation and getting to know each other. at some point fairly early on, my exes boyfriend…said or did something goofy or awkward. he knew what a faux pas was and quickly wanted to acknowledge his mistake, while tackling a fancy phrase.

what came out of his mouth, mortified my ex. she was embarrassed for him to have made such a blunder. he was unaware that he had said anything incorrectly. i don’t even remember now, if she corrected him or not, but i do remember what he said. he said something like, “oops! i made a *fox paws*.” and that little tid bit of awkwardness, has stuck with me.

i try to be diligent in knowing the meanings of words, how “fancy $20 words” are pronounced, what’s acceptable, and what’s respectful. when it comes to speaking and writing, no matter how careful i am, there are times when i commit *fox paws* of my very own. when that happens, it’s all downhill from there.

on those occassions when i “step in it,” i “step in it” with both feet. one thing that i can say about myself, is that when i commit to something, i’m in all the way up to my eyeballs. there’s no “fence sitting,” when it comes to a faux pas. you either meant it or you didn’t. i don’t think that i’ve ever had an intentional faux pas. mine have all been very much unintentional and endlessly embarassing.

here’s part of my problem, once i realize that i’ve committed a faux pas. i freeze. my mind begins to spin. and if i’m texting, my fingers begin fiercely typing: my apalling realization, my sincere apology, and the message as i wish that i would’ve conveyed it. in all actuality, it should stop there, but it doesn’t!

i make things even more complicated by adding my “emoji hieroglyphics.” in my mind, they are meant to dispel any kind of tension or discomfort. they are to explain my thought process and related chain of emotions. if anyone ever stopped to ask me, “what were you thinking?” these “hieroglyphics,” would easily answer that question. but the thing is…nobody’s ever asked me that question. i just throw it out there all “willy-nilly.”

yesterday, i was having a text conversation with my friend. she and her sister had been shopping at nordstroms. she was relating the details of their shopping trip and the fact that they had gotten some nice things. well, of course i was happy and excited for them. i relayed that fact immediately and without giving it too much thought.

i pushed the “send” button and immediately cringed. i froze and read what i had just sent. a voice in my mind repeatedly chided, “undo, undo, undo…” of course there are no “magic gossamer threads” attached to texts that you can just yank on and pull back to you without the other party seeing. i would pay good money for such an app!

i looked again and there it was, “you girls scored!” i was absolutely mortified. there was no unringing that bell. my only excuse, which i didn’t use, was that i’ve only been keeping company with girls, “the girls.” i guess that i just wasn’t thinking beyond the confines of our apartment.

in my attempt to “right my wrong,” i just kept “stepping in it.” the faux pas was like a snowball rolling down hill, getting bigger, and faster…and way more noticeable. but mind you, i’m the only one that was upset and offended by my faux pas. they were not, but i didn’t know that at the time.

so, from “you girls scored!” i apologized for referring to them as girls and explained that i didn’t mean it to offend or be disrespectful. from there, i reworked my original line. it read, “you young ladies scored!” and then, it became, “shit…you young women scored!” and then, out they came…the “emoji hieroglyphics.”

πŸ˜πŸ˜•πŸ˜•πŸ˜“πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ˜¨πŸ˜¨πŸ˜¨πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ˜“πŸ˜“πŸ˜•πŸ˜•β˜Ήβ˜ΉπŸ˜¨πŸ˜“πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ€€πŸ˜²πŸ˜²πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ’©πŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™ŠπŸ™Š

hieroglyphics key as follows:

😁 – enjoying my conversation

πŸ˜• – oh dear…

πŸ€” – recalculating

🀀 – omg!

😨 – frozen

😲 – undo, undo, undo

πŸ˜“ – i feel awful

☹ – ruh-roo

πŸ’© – shit

πŸ™Š – going to be quiet, i’ve said enough

keep in mind, that i haven’t really spoken with or been in the company of a true lady, in a little over a year. so, in my current reality “ladies” don’t exist. i just never gave it all a second thought until i did. and then when i did, i panicked.

they did however let me know that they preferred to be addressed as just “ladies,” as opposed to anything else. it was a huge relief to me to find out the proper address for next time and to know that they were not offended.

 

 

self-editing…

…apparently harsh, but loving statements work. they were short, concise, cutting…although the letter itself was long. it received a glowing review from πŸ•΅.

the same person who instilled a fear in me that i never had. the fear that what i have to say is weird, awkward, garbled. that what i have to say has meanings understood only by me.

anyway, she loved the god damn letter (my post:Β excerpts from a letter).Β i guess the point is that when i remove the things that i love the most, words and details, my points are well-received.

hearing that cutting out what i loved, made people more receptive to reading what i write, kind of crushed my spirit, yet again. i thought about quitting writing and blogging altogether.

i started to dissect things about myself…comparing and valuing strengths and weaknesses. and then, comparing and contrasting that data with samples of my writing.

i was able to ascertain that all of the extraneous details that i add to things tend to be emotions/feelings, evocative of the senses, memories/experiences, numbers, and big vocabulary.

so, to πŸ•΅…those things are meaningless time wasters. i’m sure by now that most readers that have had issue with my verbose, or as my friend calls it “prolific nature,” have quit reading.

so, that leaves me and what i love, words, descriptions, and details…and everyone else who has come to appreciate my writing for what it actually is…me.

i will not allow πŸ•΅ to take away my voice or my joy. this is my blog and i will try new things, work on being more simple and concise, and i will continue to do it my way.

i want to thank each of my readers for their continued support, encouragement, questions, comments, and suggestions. thank you for reading and trying to understand me!

it’s taken me much longer to finish this bit that i’ve been writing, cutting “me” out, leaving “me” in…over and over again. i’m more than a little frustrated. i’m trying to blend an even mix of both.

wish me luck, as i finish, and then self-edit. hopefully, i will be able to utilize both styles and blend them into something that is both me and concise…meaningful without verbosity.

 

 

thought police…

…this past year i’ve been given many therapeutic tools, tricks, and exercises. i have used them all and have experienced a great deal of success, that i want to continue to build upon.

i’ve had a lot of success with isolating negative thoughts and switching them to positives. if i have time to write them out, i do…because seeing them helps me to absorb them.

but, i also play “thought police” and try to detain the negatives, before they escape my mind. once detained i can mentally switch to them to positives, but this is not as helpful to me.

the following are some examples:

negative: i will never make it home again.

positive: i am actively working my plan.

negative: nobody likes me.

positive: i’ve got lots of friends.

negative: i won’t be able to get a car.

positive: i have enough for a substantial down payment.

negative: i’m going to end up alone in the hospital.

positive: i’m strong and healthy.

 

fear of the unknown…

my fear is very real…

binding and restraining…

drowning and smothering…

it holds me in place…

stuck, unable to move…

a prisoner to a theory…

that the unknown may be…

more or less comfortable…

than the known…

the here and now…

…i googled the phrase, “fear of the unknown” this morning. i was looking to see what images were returned in the search. i’m going to share the first two images that i saw. the two drawings made quite an impression on me. i really identified with the emotions expressed. i thought that they could have been me in one of my fearful states…uncomfortable, worried, distressed, terrified, suffering, agonizing.