vsw part four…

…so, i’ve been working on focus and becoming very focused on my goal of getting a home on the beach in washington state…my home. i’m focused on making the money that i need and clearing up loose ends here. focus will always be an ongoing struggle and visualization for me.

i’ve begun visualizing something else lately, as well. i’ve been visualizing physical fitness. yes, i’ve lost an enormous amount of weight, but i’ve still got half more to go to reach my goal weight. i’m a work in progress. ha-ha…if i ever make it off of “restriction,” whomever is just going to have to understand that i’m fluid, right now a “shape shifter.”

it’s been nice for me to have j**s to talk to about these things. she’s never been heavy or overweight, but she’s a nurse and deals with all kinds of shapes, sizes and body types. she’s seen all kinds of things and has been very helpful, giving me insightful hints and ideas for maximizing my workouts specifically for each problematic part of my body.

i’m an honest person. for the most part, i tell it like it is. however, i’ve never sat down with anyone before and honestly talked about weight, cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin, etc. j**s did an exercise with me. she had me close my eyes and visualize each part of my body that was problematic and i wanted to change.

i began with my double chin, although way smaller, it’s still there. i pictured it in my mind’s eye. i held the image for quite a while, looking at it from all angles. then with my eyes still closed, she had me visualize how i wanted my chin to look when i’ve attained my physical fitness goals. it was pretty similar to now, except for a little less fatty deposit.

we went through every part of my body. i visualized how it was now and how i wanted it to look when i had attained my physical fitness goal. mind you, this was not in person, but had the same effect. it was incredibly powerful to let go of the body shame, to deal honestly with my own imperfections, and incredibly motivating to see all that i will be.

that night, i was pleasantly surprised when i received a text message that just said, “bike?” i knew what that meant and i headed to the gym. we were riding our exercise bikes together. i can’t text and exercise, but received encouraging messages every so often. it was really fun to have someone to work with and encourage me.

next text, “hydrate!” followed by, “easy core workout for you.” so, when all was said and done, we had done 60 minutes of cardio and i did an easy core circuit workout, because i don’t know any test results yet and don’t want to push myself too hard. afterwards, it was really nice to hear that i was doing a great job and would achieve my goals.

it’s nice to have a person who is strictly a friend want to see me succeed and want to help to push me to be my absolute best. which is incredibly ironic, because i have another friend, the original motivator and inspiration for my healthy change. and that friend, she’s the one who changed my life for the best.

she’s the sage woman that encouraged me to begin visualizing all of my wants, dreams, desires, goals…say them out loud…and then, write about them. this has been really enlightening and helpful advice. i feel like it has already helped me to focus and it is helping me to attain my physical fitness goals.

i do three things before i finally go to sleep at night. i reflect on what i’m grateful for, sometimes i write about it and sometimes i don’t, but i always do it. i do a meditation. once in bed, i visualize those things that i want, dream of, desire, my goals…and as they pop into mind and i focus on them…i say them out loud.

i will have what i want. and, i’ve got this…

 

love languages…

…for some reason my therapist decided that we should talk about different “love languages.” i’m still not entirely sure why we were doing this, since i’m on “relationship restriction” and all. i’m so fucking confused by love and talk of love. quite honestly, i’m entirely clueless.

i’m full of love. i have lots of love to give…tons and tons. i give it to those that want and return it…buggs, my nephew, my nieces, my friends, my other dogs that live with my ex (cash and carly), strangers that i try to be kind to each day, even r*****d, and the girls. i even love myself now, finally after all of these years.

but, i still have this surplus…a giant surplus of love that just feels like it’s causing my heart to burst at the seams. i feel it. my heart feels full, tight, and engorged. there is so much there, none of it surface, all of it very-very deep…it’s dark blue, non-oxygenated, never released, donated, or given to another…thick, sticky, completely pure.

like i said, i feel it. it’s always there gnawing at me, reminding me, prodding me forward. this fullness in my chest makes me wonder why exactly i’m still on “restriction” and why on earth i’m still taking any of this strange approach to therapy so seriously still. the answer is that i’m not giving up on myself. i’m trying everything, until something works.

hee-hee-hee…someday my charm, wit, and love will get to someone. in the meantime, what do i do? well, i’m bidding and biding my time to make extra money to make my dreams a reality. i’m keeping an open heart and mind with these therapeutic tactics, even though i’m clearly not pleased with being treated like i’m less than…i march on.

so anyway, gary chapman wrote a book called, the five languages of love, in 1995. my therapist thought that i should take the profile test and see what my love language was. for some reason, she thought that i would learn something remarkable from discovering my “love language.” well, i guess that what i did discover was pretty surprising to me.

the following are taken directly from the website, but these are the five languages of love and their descriptions:

physical touch: “this language isn’t all about the bedroom. a person whose primary language is physical touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.”

quality time: “in the vernacular of quality time, nothing says, “i love you,” like full, undivided attention. being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the tv off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. quality time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.”

words of affirmation: “actions don’t always speak louder than words. if this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. hearing the words, “i love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.”

acts of service: “can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? absolutely! anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “acts of service” person will speak volumes. the words he or she most want to hear: “let me do that for you.” laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”

receiving gifts: “don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. if you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. a missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.”

okay, so i took the profile test, which if you’re interested in taking it, i’ve provided the link. the results of my profile test revealed the following score: 11 physical touch, 8 quality time, 8 words of affirmation, 2 acts of service, and 1 receiving gifts. so, for anyone keeping score…apparently, my love language is physical touch. i never knew that before.

apparently, i do best with physical touch and intimacy. i like to feel connection to my partner. of course, i also like quality time and words of affirmation, both make me feel loved and appreciated. i’m not big on receiving material gifts. i’m more into receiving gifts of love and gifts of the heart…that’s what matters to me.

 

biding and bidding…

…to bide: to dwell; abide; wait; remain.

…to bid: attempt to attain some goal or purpose.

i am doing both at the moment. i have placed six different bids and i am now biding my time as i wait for answers.

what am i bidding on? i’m bidding on the opportunity to pick-up, transport, and deliver someone’s pet or pets, across town or across the country.

i’m bidding on “shipments” going to san diego, eugene, vancouver, el paso, nashville, and las vegas.

all single dogs, except for one…that one is three cats and a dog. i’d rather just stick to dogs, but i’ll take whatever pets i’m fortunate enough to “win.”

well, i should know something tomorrow on at least one of them. the one going from laughlin to vancouver.

vsw part three…

…as i’ve discussed, i’ve been making being focused my focus. i’ve been paying attention to each day as it arrives. i’ve been greeting them earlier and working before anyone else is up, as well as, after everyone has gone to bed.

those are my times for me to be focused on making the money that i need to make, in order to get the fuck out of this god forsaken desert. i’ve been working on making a new website/web store and i’ve been exhausting every other monetary possibility.

i’ve always been very industrious and very confident in my capabilities. i got waylaid by being unhealthy and over medicated for about a decade, but i’m back and i’m ready and focused on earning, as quickly and efficiently as i possibly can. i need to get out of the desert.

i’m focused on home. home and making the money that i need to get home. i guess that you could say that i’m in a focused frenzy. i use the word frenzy because home or going home consumes my every waking thought.

so, with focus, that frenzy is directed into finding things to do for money, without it causing me to lose my medical benefits, because i cannot lose my benefits. i couldn’t survive without them. my ms injections alone run  $5000/month.

i’ve found three pretty decent options for making extra money. i posted about them earlier, but will touch on them quickly. one is grocery shopping and delivery with grocerychimps. one is investigating, photographing, and reporting for wegolook . and, the last one is picking-up and delivering goods and pets for citizenshipper . i’ve signed up with all three.

today, i was focused on scouring the citizenshipper website and what i found excited and amazed me. basically, i can use my car and time to travel to and from any area of the country that i want to. for example, i can take a dog from vegas to san diego. then in san diego, pick-up three dogs. one dog going back to vegas. one dog going to san antonio. and, one dog going to nashville. once dropping off my last dog, i could pick-up a dog going back to vegas.

the beauty of this is that there are just as many dogs, cats, turtles, bunnies, etc…riding between vegas and all over the pacific northwest. i could technically just go back and forth between here and home until i had enough for my downpayment. i could even re-establish my residency by getting an apartment and re-enroll in the place where i received the best healthcare.

i’m finally feeling focused and i’m ready to begin writing and sharing about what i’ve been visualizing over the past few days and saying out loud.

worthwhile things…

…so, yesterday when i was spending time being sidetracked by weird ads on craigslist i actually found three really worthwhile things. three things that i myself signed up for or joined.

the first one was called grocerychimps. grocerychimps is a service that works two ways. it matches people looking for work…grocery shopping and delivery, with people who need groceries, but don’t want to shop or can’t. the site subscription fee is $30 per month, but you can sign up for a 30 day free trial…which i did.

the second thing was called wegolook. wegolook is a company that sends independent contractors out to take visual inspections, photos, and document different things…damaged vehicles, accident scenes, etc. you go through about 45 minutes of online training and you are hired. you have an app and are sent to go look, photograph, and document. it’s easy and free. i am an independent looker now.

the third thing is my personal favorite. it’s called citizenshipper. citizenshipper is a service that matches independent contractors looking for work…pick-up and delivery of goods, vehicles, or pets…with people looking for alternate or better ways to ship their possessions and pets. the site subscription fee is $30, but you can sign up for a 30 day free trial…which i did.

occasionally, there is something worthwhile on craigslist…yesterday was that day for me!!

 

corrupted…

…when i got off of my greyhound bus last may (2016), i still possessed a lot of innocence, sweetness, and romantic notions about life, love, and relationships. i believed that there was someone for everyone and that everyone had a soulmate.

yes, i am a hopeless romantic. i will always believe that to be true for myself, but i no longer believe that there is someone for everyone or that everyone has a soulmate. being here in las vegas, has changed me…to a certainly degree i feel that i’ve been corrupted.

my eyes have seen things that they just can’t unsee…like women giving out handjobs behind the gas station for cigarettes. my ears are violated daily by the vile and vulgar words and stories of my seventy-seven year old companion.

yesterday, i knew that i had reached my corruption saturation point, when i decided to look at the las vegas craig’s list site. i was actually just curious about what kinds of jobs were available and what the payscales were like.

and then, i became hopelessly sidetracked for several hours by things that i didn’t even realize were okay to put ads on the site for. there was the guy giving out handies for the thrill of it in henderson. there was a sixty-five year old woman who wanted eighteen year old boys and girls to worship her ass.

there was an ad hiring women with beautiful feet to walk across men’s backs for trample videos. the craziest thing that i found out was that fluffers start out at  $2500/week…that’s $10000/month…if i could stomach the work, i’d be all over that one 😂.

so yeah, this city has changed me deeply and profoundly. and, it has corrupted me to some extent…

 

august 14, 2017…

today, i am grateful for…

…waking up at my new normal time 0400. getting a really good walk in with buggs. making sure that i got sixty minutes of cardio in, since i still haven’t been cleared to go back to my circuit workouts yet…

…three cups of black coffee enjoyed at my desk while i worked on finishing something important. i was nice and made sure to leave r*****d a cup, even though he didn’t even get up until after 1630…

…having such a nice new desktop to work on, while listening to music with my headphones, and sitting in my “new to me” chair that j***y passed on to me. it is so much more comfortable under my ass than the hard wood, kitchen table chair that i used to sit on. it hurt my bum and made both legs go completely numb, so this whole new set-up is awesome…

…finally pulling all of the pieces that i’ve been writing, deleting, and starting to write all over again…together in one place to make something that hopefully made sense, didn’t overwhelm, and wasn’t weird…but, while i’m glad that i’ve finished finally…i know that i probably could have made it more concise…

…peace and quiet, since r*****d slept for most of the day. it is always so nice for me to be able to hear myself think…to not have fox news blaring, or the phrase, “and death,” bellowed over and over again…

…my fantasy football drafts, to keep my mind off of heavier things. i have five teams and i am entirely ready to dominate my leagues…and yes, i am an absolute nerd…

…the silly text messages that just made me laugh…

my mind is quiet. my body is healing my heart is full.

namaste.